我的名字是馬修，我來自紐約，26歲。當我16歲時，我向爸爸出櫃，坦承自己的性向。我爸爸給我了一個兒子所能期待的最好答案，他說無論如何他依然愛我，而且會永遠陪在我身旁。但是在那之後，爸爸立刻對同性戀感到疑慮，包括對於未來生活、就學、就業可能會遭受的各種歧視和霸凌，並且向「性傾向治療師」求助。
My name is Matthew Shurka, I’m from Great Neck, New York, I’m 26 years old, and when I was 16, I came out to my father. My father gave me the best answer that any son can ask for, was that he loved me no matter what, and that he was going to be by my side always. But immediately after, my father started to build his fears about homosexuality, and what it actually meant, and what it looked like for my family, career – possibly being discriminated and being bullied against as a high school student – and he came across a conversion therapist.
我爸爸被告知「同性戀」是不存在的，每一個人天生都是異性戀。即使有些人認為他們是同志，那也只是受到心理狀態的影響，而那是可以被治療的，尤其是早期療育。因此，當時16歲的我，就開始了性傾向治療。
My father was told that there’s no such thing as homosexuality, and that everyone is a heterosexual. There are certain people who believe they’re gay, but they’re just suffering from a psychological condition that can be cured and that can be resolved, especially at a young age. So, at 16 years old, I began conversion therapy.
他們要我花很多時間與男人相處。所以，在16歲的年紀，我盡可能的在學校與其他男同學相處。同時，我還被告知必須避免女人。原因是，如果太常跟女人相處，就會沾染上女人的習氣。我必須避免的女人，包括我自己的媽媽和姐妹。有3年的時間，我沒有跟媽媽講話。同住在一個屋簷下，卻不能跟媽媽和姐妹講話，這樣的情況開始讓我的家庭分崩離析。
They wanted me to spend a lot of time with other men. So, as a sixteen year old, it was spending as much time with the other boys at school as possible. Simultaneously, I have to avoid women. And the reason that they don’t want you to be with women ‘cause one, they don’t want you to pick up effeminate behaviors. This included my mother and my sisters. I did not talk to my mother and my sisters for three years, and I lived with my mother and by sisters, and I was very close with them, and to not talk to them for three years started the breakdown of my family.
我的媽媽無法說服我不要再接受性傾向治療，但是她告訴我：「馬修，你是同志，那沒關係。我想要你知道這沒什麼不對，我是以生你的媽媽的立場告訴你。」我花了3年的時間做了那麼多犧牲，接受性傾向治療，而我媽媽卻看著我的眼睛告訴我：當個同志並沒什麼不對。她接納我，而我卻不接納自己。
My mom realized she wasn’t going to convince me anymore, and she was telling me, “Matt, you’re gay, and it’s okay. I want you to know that. I’m telling you as your mother,” and I would throw the biggest fit ‘cause I put all that time and all that energy for three years, and for her to just look me in the eye and be like, “You’re gay and it’s okay,’ I found that devastating.
...
我經過了10年的憂鬱期，曾經想過要自殺，並且與我的整個家庭產生疏離，也沒有好好發展我的事業、求學生涯和健康的友誼。當我終於再次見到父親並且相隔那麼久第一次談話時，我放下了過往10年以來的所有怨懟。我現在26歲，是個出櫃的同志，我感到我的人生現在才真正開始活著。如果當我還是個青少年時，有另外一個青少年能夠和我分享他的經驗並且告訴我，當個同志依然能夠擁有屬於自己的生活，而非世界末日，那對我而言會是非常意義非凡的。
I went through ten years of going through depression, contemplating suicide, being estranged from my entire family, not pursuing my career, not pursuing an education, not pursuing healthy friendships, and when I had a five minute conversation with him, I let go of my ten years of resentment, and now at 26, this is the first time I’m actually getting to live my life.I always thought to myself, if I was a teenager, and I saw a 20-something year old guy telling me it was okay, and whatever he went through, and, you know, it is going to be better on the other end, that would have meant the world to me.
沒有留言:
張貼留言